


look at me like you mean it

by charliecha



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I don't know how to write smut, Jung Wooyoung is Whipped, M/M, Neck Kissing, Pining, and drunk, but we knew that, i'm deeply sorry, pls don't hate san he's just scared, they kiss, wooyoung is a tease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:41:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28010316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charliecha/pseuds/charliecha
Summary: love, it stings and then it laughsat every beat of my battered hearta sudden jolt, a tender kiss,I know I'm gonna die of thisand that's becauseI could drown myself in someone like you,I could dive so deep I never come out;I thought it was impossible,but you make it possible.____where san is too scared of his feelings, and wooyoung decides to do something about it
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Implicit Choi Jongho/Kang Yeosang, Implicit Park Seonghwa/Kim Hongjoong
Comments: 10
Kudos: 62





	look at me like you mean it

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!  
> first of all i really wanna thank again my friend for encouraging me to keep writing;  
> i don't know if you're reading this, little star, but i'm very grateful for your support!!
> 
> well, it's my first time writing something like this, and i put my whole heart in it, so i really hope i succeded in conveying everything i was feeling through my writing.  
> i got inspired by a song, "impossible" by nothing but thieves, and yeah, this the result.
> 
> please enjoy!!

the music is penetrating in his ears, loud, way too loud, a mixture of sounds and instruments that he can't quite identify right now, the cause being the high quantity of alcohol swimming through his body, but it's not like wooyoung minded at all.

he shouldn't have drank that much tonight, he never does: every time he and his friends gather for these kinds of nights out, he always makes sure to have someone who would keep an eye on him, not to control his bad habit of chugging down drink after drink without even knowing the origin of the cup in his hand - luckily they never went to parties with untrustworthy people.  
no, there's another bad habit of wooyoung that this hypothetical person was supposed to keep at bay: he was a really, dangerously light drinker, and after only the second cup he would usually start skipping around the place, talking with strangers he stumbled upon in the process, saying things he would probably regret saying the morning after and ending up embarrassing himself most of the times.

well, that hypothetical friend, for reasons he himself couldn't quite understand either yet, usually ended up being yeosang.

"what could you possibly do that would cause so much trouble?", that's what poor yeosang answered, closing his eyes with a tired look on his face, almost every time his best friend went to his place and asked him to take care of him for the night.

"sangie," his voice was always firm, trying to be the more persuasive possible, both of them knowing very well how their chat would end - with wooyoung hugging him and whisper-shouting a little too many "thank you" into his ear, until the other would detach him from his body, laughing at the act of affection.

"did you already forgot all the trouble I went through back in high school?  
you know very well the effects that alcohol has on me, it's like a truth serum, I go around telling secrets like it's my job, secrets that most of the times aren't even my own to tell, and that's messed up.  
don't you remember that time i accidentally told seonghwa about hongjoong's feelings for him? I almost _died_ that night", yeosang let out a little laugh recalling the events of the night, image of hongjoong's flaming eyes and hands wrapped around the younger's throat clear in his mind.

"or when i almost confessed to san at that party? I am _so lucky_ he was drunk as well that night, otherwise I'd be wishing hongjoong had gone through with his plan of killing me"

"i still can't understand why you didn't confess yet, it's so obvious that he has a thing for you as well", somehow that's how their conversation usually evolved, yeosang wondering about their relationship.

"because, he sends so many mixed signals? it's almost like he's scared of me sometimes", his eyes would turn sad instantly, and yeosang could never stand looking at wooyoung with something else that wasn't a smile on his face, so he always ended up complying to the other's request.

but this time something went differently, yeosang had different plans for the night, and even though he technically accepted wooyoung's request again, as usual, he also said something about "not being able to always be there", something having to do with jongho, wooyoung understood, but the younger thought he could keep himself at bay for sometime.  
unfortunately, he was very wrong, but he didn't know that yet.

so this is what, combined with a series of events of which wooyoung had not the tiny bit of memory, has him in the situation he is in right now, dancing alone, one hand tight around a half empty cup - he was sure it was just his second drink, but he started noticing how not long ago the walls started dangerously spinning around him, and how his legs felt pretty much like they were made of jelly, his mind so light it could start floating any moment.

he is swaying his hips to the music, unbothered by the bodies accidentally colliding against his from time to time, shouting a mindless "sorry" that would just be left dancing around the room without any kind of response from the boy.

he's having fun, enjoying this moment of near complete freedom with closed eyes, opening them once in a while to chase away a couple too many unwanted hands that found his waist in an attempt to approach him and dance with him, eyeing them with a look that could burn them live; wooyoung was a fun guy, yes, but he was never the type to get involved with casual strangers or faces he only saw a few times around campus in the two years he had spent there, and that was something he could handle by himself.

until one person in particular pops up in his head, soon occupying the totality of his thoughts; he can't remember exactly when he and san had parted ways, _probably somewhere between my first and second drink?_ , he thinks, going back to that moment, when one of his friends gave him a cup filled with something strong in it, with a sweet flavor, _was it strawberry?_ he wondered, thinking back at the feeling of the bubbles popping in his mouth, getting lost in his train of thoughts; he is sure san had been beside him until that moment, and that he had excused himself from the conversation with the two boys to go in the kitchen, probably grabbing something to drink as well.  
after that, nothing, no trace of the boy with the mullet.

the two of them had arrived together at the party, they met hours before at wooyoung's apartment to get ready for the night, like usual.  
wooyoung had been given the task to put some light make up on san and style his hair - now long enough to reach his shoulders, resting around his neck in delicate, nearly imperceptible waves - in a tidy braid at the side of his head, "in a way that would make a child say they're pretty", the older said, while scanning through the other's closet, trying to put together the perfect outfit for his friend, one that would make him justice.

wooyoung gets dragged out of his thoughts violently by a girl screaming next to him, and he gets reminded of his new purpose of the night:

"san, I need to find san"

he forces himself to open his eyes again, studying his surroundings, looking every person in the face one by one and getting up on his tip toes to compensate the height he was missing to reach the corners of the room, eyes squinted unconsciously in concentration.

he almost loses his balance turning to look at the other side of the room, moving a little too fast for his body to follow his movements without risking to fall, recognizing a couple of familiar faces not too far from the crowd, _woah, are those jongho and sangie? why are they so close to each other?_ , he thinks, considering if approaching them would be a good idea, but no, he'll look for them later, or tomorrow, now he has to find san.

"right, san, where could he be? maybe he already went home?", he doesn't realize he just spoke aloud, capturing the attention of some people next to him.  
and suddenly, right when he was thinking of going back to dancing, he sees him.

san is not too far away from where he is now, leaning on the wall behind his back for support, bottle of beer half full in his right hand, engaged in a conversation with a boy wooyoung is sure he shares a couple of his courses with, but his vision is quite blurred at the moment, so he wouldn't bet on it.

on the contrary, he recognizes his friend the moment he lays his eyes on him: he's beautiful, ethereal, wooyoung would dare say, hair neatly tied in a few little braids on the side, the bleached strand intertwining with his natural color in the most perfect way, and another falling over his eyes on the left side, almost covering his vision; on his cheekbones and eyelids laid scattered a bunch of glitter, applied some hours before by the same boy who was currently looking at them mesmerized, a play of colors taking place on his features caused by the reflectors aiming at his face every now and then.

wooyoung is starting to doubt if the other boy could just be a figment of his imagination, way too wonderful to be real, in front of him; _can the others see him as well? am I dreaming?_.

he stays like that, still, for what could seem like an eternity, until his attention flies back to the boy without a name standing next to san, who just laid one hand on the other's arm, leaning close to him, too close; wooyoung feels a wave of jealousy run through his body when the unknown boy moves his hand a second time, bringing it to san's chest as if he was looking for support whilst laughing at something the latter had just said, making both of them burst out in a not so loud laugh, while wooyoung felt his own chest hurt a little at the sight of someone being so close to san.  
his expression involuntarily turns into a scowl, but it doesn't last long, because when he turns his attention back to his friend, their eyes meet, his gaze already aiming towards him, dimples proudly showing as he smiles at wooyoung, catching him by surprise.  
the younger's face lights up immediately, returning the smile with double the enthusiasm.

wooyoung starts getting away from the crowd, walking - almost skipping - in san's direction, doing his best not to trip or bump into people dancing or engaging casual conversations at the side of the dance floor.  
"saniii", the boy let's out a loud scream, just a moment before jumping in the older's arms and intertwining his own behind his neck as his leg threaten to give out for a moment, causing him to put all his weight on san, who loses his balance for a second, luckily colliding with the wall behind him and regaining stability, helping wooyoung find his own again.

san leaves his now almost empty bottle on a table near him and takes wooyoung's cup from his grip, which was slowly starting to get weaker, to avoid getting the both of them soaked in whatever was inside of it, and puts it next to his beer.

"i think that's enough for you tonight, don't you?"

he only receives a whine in response, but wooyoung allows the older to take the drink from him, thinking that, yes, maybe he did drink a little too much; he closes his eyes to prevent the walls surrounding him from starting to spin once again, using san's chest as a support for his head, which now felt heavier than ever.

san turns his head to the guy he was talking to just minutes ago, still standing next to the two with a rather confused expression, and waves at him with his free hand - the other one currently resting on wooyoung's waist to support him - and an apologetic look in his eyes letting him know they can't go on with the conversation they were having, watching the other's back as he turns around and walks away, approaching a group of people nearby and engaging in the conversation like he had been there from the moment they started it.

san finally gives his attention back to the boy in his hold, who's currently breathing heavily, finding peace in the other's scent, a hint of a smile on his lips and arms relaxed, and he brings one hand up to his face, moving a strand of hair that fell on his closed eyes and tugging it delicately behind his ear.

"tired?"

"mhh, maybe"

san can't hold back a smile at the sight of the boy in his arms, passing his fingers through his soft, pink locks - being cautious not to get stuck in potentials knots and risk hurting the other - receiving a hum of appreciation from the other, who started talking again not soon after.

"who was that?"

san raises his head on instinct, trying to spot the guy wooyoung was referring to in the crowd, but he was nowhere to be found, _he probably went to refill his drink or something_.

"maybe you've seen him around sometimes? i think he shares one of his courses with you,"

 _i knew it was him_ , thinks wooyoung, feeling sort of proud for being able to put so many thoughts together in the state he is right now.

"he takes ballet classes with me, he's very talented, and he helps me a lot as well, with postures and dance routines and all that stuff", keeps adding san, "he's a nice guy"

"oh I bet he is, I don't like him"

san cocks his head to the side, giving the other a confused look, knowing he still isn't able to see him.

"why? did he do something to you? do you know him?"

a few seconds pass before wooyoung starts talking again.

"you know he was flirting with you, right?"

confusion returns to mask san's features, but this time with a slight shade of pink on his cheeks.

"we were just talking, it's not like that"

the younger opens his eyes, raising his head to look up at the boy in the eyes.

"san, dear, did you see the way he kept touching you? please, he had his hands all over you, no man would touch you like _that_ if he wasn't trying to get in your pants, believe me; I would have noticed from another room"

and without saying another word, he resumes his previous position, laying his head delicately on san and closing his eyes again, not even waiting for an actual answer.  
san freezes, suddenly becoming very aware of the fingers playing at the base of his hair, stroking some strands with lazy movements, and the hand gently placed on his chest, right next to his heart, where his head was resting.  
his hand, on the contrary, stopped its movements, him being too concentrated on his dangerously fast - and loud - heartbeat, praying that the other won't open his eyes again just to see his face and ears turn all shades of red.

but he gets thrown out of this state of panic in a matter of seconds, when wooyoung starts talking again, drawing his attention.

"I think I saw jongho and yeo kissing when I was looking for you"

he didn't necessarily want to say that out loud, but it had been standing on the tip of his tongue for way too long now, and he felt the need to let it out.  
now that he thinks about it, he's not even sure of what he saw, maybe they didn't kiss, maybe they were just hugging; hell, maybe it wasn't even them, but a couple of strangers.  
but still, he felt the need to tell it to someone, and that someone, luckily happened to be san.

"oh - well, actually it's not surprising at all, it's about time they stopped tip toeing around each other like that"

"i know right?"

they both let out a soft laugh, letting the conversation die like it started, thinking of how their friends have been obviously into each other since day one, but both of them were too blind to see the other's feelings it in these two years; ironic, if I must say.

san gets lost again in the natural movements of his hand, patting the younger's head as if to soothe him to sleep, while the latter seemed to relax again in the touch.

"do you want me to take you home?" asks san, deciding that it wasn't a good idea staying there with a half sleeping wooyoung on top of him in a room full of noise, smells and people.  
wooyoung thinks about it for a second before opening his mouth to answer.

"mhh, only if you sleep with me"

san's movements still once again, a little thrown off by the request, but after all, it's wooyoung he's talking to, what else could he expect?

"yeah, right" he answers with a scoff.

"saaanii, I'm serious, i wanna cuddle"

wooyoung moves back enough to lock eyes with san, bottom lip slightly pushed outwards to form a pout, but before san could react in any way, a new song starts playing through the speakers, making its way in the full and already noisy room, and wooyoung immediately turns his head towards the source of the sound, almost as his name had been called, so fast he could risk hurting his neck with the movement.  
he is sure he knows the song, he danced to it a hundred times, and sang it a hundred more, but he can't get himself to link a name to it, even when he is concentrating this hard - but it's understandable, given the fact he was almost falling asleep seconds before and all the thoughts that are running at full speed in his head, not allowing him to get a grip on even one of them.  
thing is, he loves the song, and there's no way he could go away without dancing to it.

"SAN" he screams at the top of his lungs, startling the older, while grabbing one of his arms and holding onto it, not being able to hide the excitement in his eyes and practically jumping in place.

"let's dance! dance with me!"

san studies his features for a moment, eyes as bright as the lights lighting up the room, no trace of sleepiness visible.

"i thought you wanted to go home?"

the younger shakes his head in response, still delivering him a dazzling smile, not giving up.

"i wanna dance with you!"

there's a reason why san never said yes to a dance with wooyoung: he has seen him dance, more than once.  
he got used to coming out of the house earlier than necessary whenever he had to pick him up from his dance class, just so that he could watch him dance for a few minutes.  
he often told the other how talented he was, but the younger always washed away the compliments with a "I'm not even that good, anyone could do it" or a "you're way better than me".  
and san loved to remind him how his movements were always so precise, every single gesture, how he made it look so effortlessly easy but so complicated at the same time; the way he managed to hide so many meanings and feelings behind every spin and every step he made.

but back where they are now, no, this is something else.  
here, on this dance floor filled with people and surrounded by pumped up music, his only wish is to let go, blow off some steam, not caring about who or what's surrounding him, giving a show to everyone watching.  
he knows that very well; actually, he's been watching him from the side of the dance floor for most of the time he was dancing, all up in his world, hair sticking to his forehead from the sweat, chest raising and falling after every heavy breath; he really looked like he came from another world.

on top of that, he also came to know from other sources, wooyoung becomes very touchy when dancing, way more than usual, and surely way more that what san could handle.

but at this moment, when he looks back in wooyoung's eyes, none of that seems to matter, because how could he say no when he's holding his hand and looking at him with _that_ look in his eyes?  
so, as if hypnotized by those pleading eyes, he finally gives in.

"just this one song, then I'm taking you straight home, okay?"

"yes!!" the younger let's out a scream, jumping once again in place, grabbing both of san's hands and dragging him back into the noisy crowd, until they find an empty space where they can dance comfortably.

after wooyoung guides them to a less crowded spot, the latter turns around, face to face with the other, and starts dancing immediately, closing his eyes and stretching his arms to the ceiling.  
san, who's still standing firm on his feet, takes this as an opportunity to really observe the younger, his eyes moving over his features, studying every little detail: how his movements reached even the tip of his fingers in the most delicate of ways, like he was casting some sort of spell with every move, or how a hint of a smile lingered on his lips, never disappearing; his focus shifts on the other's hair, moving from one side to another, sticking to his forehead from time to time, colorful lights reflecting on them and disguising their light pink with a shade of blue and purple, and, lastly, admiring how the boy seemed to be one with the notes of the song playing in the background.  
in the meantime, without san noticing, wooyoung had opened his eyes again, realizing the older's gaze was now on him, not moving, almost like he was hypnotized and ordered not to move an inch.

"you like what you see?", he looks at the other amused, drawing his attention back to his eyes, and san raises his hands in defense, trying to formulate some sort of excuse to throw at him - obviously failing.

"I- I was just"

"come on", wooyoung doesn't let him finish, "I brought you here to dance, now just dance with me, please?"

the tone of his voice is sweet, his eyes sweeter, and his reassuring smile does something to san, who lowers his gaze in embarrassment, nodding in response, thinking that, maybe, he could let go a little, after all a little dancing never hurt anyone.  
what he didn't know is he was going to regret it not even ten seconds after.

before he can realize it, wooyoung turns away from him, taking a few steps back, until his back bumps against san's chest, whose hands, by instinct, immediately find the younger's waist to try to keep him in his place, the sudden jolt causing him to come back down to earth.  
but wooyoung has other plans, as he lets his arms fall around san's neck, intertwining them, and drawing their bodies even closer than they were before.

san, at this point, is very much close to a mental breakdown - if he didn't have that little alcohol in his body he would probably be running out the building and far, far away from the other boy and his not so good intentions.  
but luckily - or not - his brain feels drowsy enough to suggest him to just "let go for a moment and enjoy it till it lasts, when are you going to get a chance like this again?", and, for some reasons unknown to san, he follows the advice, bringing the other's body impossibly closer, not leaving a speck of light between them, and starts moving his body to the rhythm along with the younger.

maybe it's the fact he is dancing in a way to cramped place with at least another thirty or more sweaty and winded people, with only two or three windows opened in all the room not allowing enough air to enter; or maybe it's the fact that wooyoung is literally stroking his ass against his crotch at the moment; san doesn't really know, it could be both, but he's getting hot, way too hot for him to handle, he can hear the sound of his heartbeat rising, and he's starting to feel his pants getting uncomfortably tight around his crotch.  
wooyoung, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care about it, letting his head fall backwards on the older's shoulder, not even trying to hide his smirk, swaying his hips side to side.

san can't endure it for any longer, he is well aware of that, the boy is making him go crazy, so he tries to put a stop to it.

"wooyoung", he says between clenched teeth, trying to get the other's attention.

" _mhh_ "

 _no, fuck that, was that a moan?_  
san knows too well he likes to tease, he learned that at his own expense, and he knows for a fact that wooyoung is having a lot of fun right now, playing with the older, putting on a show for everyone around them, capturing the attention of some guys here and there and earning a couple of glares, but this is not the time or place for san to get an erection.  
so he takes wooyoung's hands from where they were mindlessly placed behind his neck and makes him turn around, glaring at him, but meeting that same smirk he saw before.

"that's it, I'm taking you home"

"come ooon san", he whines, _whines_ , jutting his lower lip out for the second time this night, but the intention were way different from before.

"no"

san is still holding onto wooyoung's wrists, keeping them firm between the two of them.

"but I was having fun"

"stop playing with me"

san's expression is serious, and if wooyoung hadn't been drunk he would have probably noticed the hint of sadness painting his eyes.  
wooyoung gets closer all of a sudden, hands squeezed between their chests and face defenetly too close to the older's, who, taken aback, isn't given the time to react or back away, gaze unconsciously locked on the smaller's lips - and this time this is something that doesn't go unnoticed by the latter.

"this is the first time you've looked at me like this"

wooyoung whispers under his breath, only for the other to hear, giving voice to his thoughts, thoughts that shouldn't be let free carelessly - but once again, he has no control over what he's saying and what is staying trapped in his mind.

"like what?"

"like you want me as much as I do"

san almost chokes on air, breath stuck in his lungs, his head feels light and his cheeks are painted with pink dust once again.  
he's petrified, caught off guard by the sudden confession, until he notices a sudden change in wooyoung's expression - even if just for one moment - eyebrows coming together and lips forming a frown, a hiss of pain escaping from his clenched teeth.  
san's eyes widen, falling on the other's wrists, held between his hands, and he immediately loosen his grip around them, realizing only now how tight his hold actually was, lowering his gaze to make sure he didn't leave any bruises or even the slightest bit of signs, caressing cautiously where he accidentally applied pressure.

san shuts his eyes, taking a deep breath, an attempt to get a hold of himself; when he opens them again, some seconds after, he meets the younger's gaze, full of joy and admiration, busy studying his features dusted with glittery powder - not caring about everything that just happened.

"you're stunning"

words keep slipping away from his will, incapable of refraining his tongue, letting escape - luckily, for him, and for san's poor heart - only a little portion of the thoughts flooding his mind.  
san finds himself holding his breath yet another time throughout the night, trying to ignore the awkwardness and sustain his gaze.

"you're only acting like this because you're horny"

wooyoung, as if offended by the assumption, regains that pout san already got very familiar with.

"am not"

"you're not horny?", san's eyebrows quirk up, silently challenging him to deny the facts.

"I'm- I'm not acting", answers him, after a couple of seconds of reflecting, lowering his head as if to protect himself from the other's reaction.

san really doesn't know how to react, he has no idea of what to do or what to say.  
he keeps repeating himself "he's not being serious, it's probably just the alcohol talking", but he can't get to put his mind at ease for some reasons.

"you're drunk", it's the only sentence he can manage to let out, together with a shaky breath.

"oh my god san, you're so smart how did you notice?" shouts sarcastically the other in response, grabbing one of san's hands in his own and bringing it to his chest, to add a bit of drama to the whole situation.  
the only thing san can do is roll his eyes at the boy, intertwining their fingers together and turning away, his heart feeling a little lighter than before.

"you're the worst, let's go"

wooyoung lets himself be dragged by the older without any protests, focusing on their intertwined hands, letting a smile paint his face unconsciously, while san guides them out of the room and towards the younger's apartment not far from campus.

the walk home is silent, the thoughts floating around their heads are loud enough.  
wooyoung is holding onto san's arm, head resting on his shoulder comfortably, absentmindedly humming a silent melody.  
the effects of the alcohol are slowly vanishing thanks to the cold and fresh air, leaving room for exhaustion and a persistent headache, but wooyoung can still taste the slightest bitterness on his lips - whether it's from the liquor he drank earlier or from something else, he doesn't know.

after some minutes of unspoken thoughts san opens his mouth to talk, pulling wooyoung away from that peaceful state he found himself while humming those delightful notes following the steady heartbeat of the boy walking by his side.

"I'm sorry for before, i never meant to hurt you"

the apologies are sincere, wooyoung knows it, the hurt in san's voice is clear.

"it's okay, it doesn't hurt anymore, don't think about it; I know you didn't mean it"

san can hear the younger's smile through his voice, immediately reassuring him, even if just a little.  
he knows wooyoung is being genuine, but he can't help but feel bad about what he did - he would have never wanted to see that pained expression on his face, and certainly he didn't want to be the cause of it.

"it's true tho, you never look at me"

the statement causes san to turn around, eyebrows coming together as confusion makes its way across his face.

"what is that supposed to mean? I always look at you"

"no, you don't"

san slows down his pace, busy concentrating on the affirmation for some seconds, feeling accused by wooyoung's words.

"how do you know that? it's not like you have your eyes pointed at me 24/7 either"

wooyoung lets out a giggle.

"silly, that's not what I mean; you do watch me, but you never _really_ look at me"

his tone feels sad, naked, lonely, with a hint of hopelessness.  
he doesn't know why he keeps talking, or why he chose this night in particular to finally say what he is about to, he doesn't know what's so special about the situation that is allowing him to let it all go.  
maybe, just maybe, looking at the starry sky above him, walking next to his best friend - one of the most important people he ever met - makes him feel safe enough to speak his mind.

"if you did look at me, like you say, you would have noticed by now"

"noticed what?"

wooyoung tightens his grip on san's arm instinctively, as if he was scared the other could run away or disappear any moment.

there's a short pause before he can think of a sentence that could make sense, or before he can find the courage to answer the question, thinking of the consequences it could lead to.  
he's so afraid - no, scratch that - wooyoung is terrified by the thought of san leaving him, of things changing between them, of their relationship falling apart.

of course, he knows san has feelings for him, he'd have to be blind to miss the way his indecisive eyes fly from his eyes to his lips when wooyoung is talking, or how hesitant his hands are when he wants to hold the younger's in his own, always lingering over them for a couple of seconds before actually doing it; and, again, he never missed the way his face turns completely red whenever the younger leaves a light peck on his cheek, maybe sometimes closer to the corner of his lips than necessary - because at this point we all know how much of a tease the boy is.

even though he knows all of this, he still can't help to feel anxious, thinking that maybe this isn't the right time to do such thing; but then again, maybe the right time will never come, might as well get it over with now, because really, it can't possibly be worse than the hurt he's feeling by living this silence he is forcing himself into.  
so, without wasting any more time lost in his thoughts, he says it.

"you would have noticed that I like you"

san's steps come to a halt, his mind going blank and not allowing him to put two or more words together that would make any sense.  
_why would he say something like this now? is it the alcohol? or does he really mean it?_ , his mind is going crazy.

"stop joking about this stuff"

he hears a chuckle coming from the other, who raises his head from his shoulder - san tries to ignore the cold that makes its way through him with the action, not sure if it's caused by the absence of the younger or the chill of the night.

"see? you're not looking at me"

he turns around to face him, ready to talk back, only to get trapped in the pair of shiny and tired eyes of the younger, saying many more words he could say right now with his shaky voice.

wooyoung brings one hand up to cup san's cheek, gently, feeling the heat spread through him despite the coldness of the air surrounding them, san's cheeks gain a light shade of pink that goes unnoticed under the faint light of the streetlight over their heads.  
wooyoung doesn't dare to say anything, scared that some other dangerous words could slip away before he can realize, but his eyes become glossy, and san is sure he could make out an entire galaxy with all the stars they held in them.

san lets out a breath he didn't notice he was holding until now, concentrating on the hand resting on his cheek and leaning into the touch of those delicate fingers that have been giving gentle caresses for a while now.

"that's it, now you're really looking at me"

it's just a whisper, followed by a familiar smile, but with a hint of melancholy lingering on his lips.  
wooyoung brings his free hand to cup the other's face, mirroring his previous movements, without ever ceasing to look for any kind of doubt, second thought or change of heart in san's eyes.

"a simple "no" is all you have to say, I won't do anything you don't want me to do"

he leans in, slowly, reducing the space between their chests, feeling the warmth of the older spread through his body.  
at this point he feels his heart beating as if he'd been holding it in his hand all this time, and he starts wondering if maybe san can hear it too.

their noses are almost touching, and san feels a shiver go through his spine as he can feel wooyoung's warm breath hitch on his lips, and that's when he becomes fully aware of what's about to happen.

with a sharp movement of his arms he pushes away the hands that were carefully placed on his face, and proceeds to shove the boy away from him, taking two steps back and creating as much distance possible between the two - both in bodies and in hearts.

san swears he heard, the moment his hands came in contact with wooyoung's chest in an attempt to push the boy away, the sound of something breaking near them.  
if the situation was different, he would have asked the younger if he heard it too, that sound; but, once again, if the situation was different, he wouldn't have heard wooyoung's heart shattering into pieces in front of his eyes.

neither one of them moves an inch, neither of them can find the courage to speak, to ask, to move, because right now wooyoung is trying _so hard_ not to fall apart in front of san.  
lost, confused, hurt, regretful.  
san had never been this harsh with him, it threw him off, left him wounded, his chest still aching uncomfortably.

wooyoung has his gaze fixed on the ground and two eyes focused on him, making him feel so small, so wrong, so unwanted, while his desire to get swallowed by the ground beneath him grows by the second.

"I- I'm taking you home", says san, finally interrupting the unbearable silence between the two.  
he turns on his feet and starts walking towards their original destination.  
he doesn't look back, doesn't see wooyoung's hand reach for his own heart, gripping at his aching chest, like he doesn't see the lonely, clear tear make its way down his cheek and fall between his feet.  
as well as he doesn't see the boy bringing both his hands to his eyes in an attempt to dry his wet cheeks and stop more tears that were trying to escape from his control, or the way he's trying to steady his breathing, body shaking ever so slightly, because the air is so overwhelming and suffocating around him.

san doesn't get the chance to see the poor boy shatter into fragments and build himself up all alone, picking up the little bits and pieces he manages to gather.  
and san certainly didn't expect, after hearing the sole of wooyoung's shoes meeting the ground at a fast pace behind him, to feel a couple of hands wrap around his arm, cautiously, this time, while feeling the weight of the younger's head back on his shoulder, resuming the same position as a few minutes ago and bringing back that warmth he was longing.

san is well aware of the unfamiliarity of wooyoung's actions: skinship has never been much of a problem for the younger, but right now all those little movements and gestures felt way too cautious, as if he was scared to get closer, taking one little step at a time, ready to back away at any moment.

san's thoughts are accompanied by wooyoung's sniffles, and he tries to ignore it, he really does, but he knows how deeply hurt the other is; he knows his harsh rejection wasn't necessary, that he should apologize, but he doesn't have any excuses for the way he pulled away the other, because he knows wooyoung, he knows he only has good intentions, and he knows the boy would never take advantage of him in any way.

at some point along the way wooyoung's hand slid down san's arm and found his hand, holding it, ignoring the coldness of his fingers at the contact and intertwining them with his own instead, looking for comfort, assurance, and maybe warmth.  
san, for some reasons he doesn't want to think about right now, allows him to do so - maybe because he needs that same comfort as much as the younger.

they keep walking like this, listening to this not so comfortable silence, until they reach wooyoung's apartment, and said boy is forced to break the contact to rummage through his pockets in search of his keys.  
once he manages to open the door, san follows him inside, wondering if it was a good idea or if he should just go back home already and leave him alone - it's useless now, since he's already taking his shoes off and placing them at the entrance, copying wooyoung's actions.  
the latter makes his way towards his bedroom, without the need to turn on any lights in the hallway as artificial light is shining through the window glass, casting rigid and blurred shades on the boys passing by.

when wooyoung enters the room he pushes the switch, flinching a bit as the strong lights fill the surrounding space, eyes stinging ever so slightly at the exposure - he tries to avoid the thought of the real cause of the pain, dry tears tracing invisible lines on his cheeks.

his studies the inside of his closet, not wasting any time choosing and picking what could look like comfortable pieces of clothing.

"I'll- I'll go get changed. I'll be out in a minute" he says, gaze fixed on the floor.  
their eyes haven't met once since their last exchange of words in the middle of that cold and dark road, and they don't meet now, when wooyoung turns around in his heels and heads towards the bathroom, door closed behind him and followed by a muffled thud.

san sits at the side of the bed, head aching between a pair of shaky hands, heart heavier than ever in his life.  
thousands of questions are filling his thoughts, but unfortunately for him, he doesn't seem to find enough answers.

it doesn't take long for wooyoung to get out of the bathroom, and when he does, san's eyes fly to him with a sudden move of his head.  
there's no trace of make up left on the younger's face, and he's now wearing a pair of baggy pants and a random short-sleeved shirt.

san's attention goes to wooyoung's naked arms, noticing how the boy was already holding himself in an attempt to find warmth in the touch.

"you'll feel cold if you stay like that"

"i can take it"

it's more than obvious that he wasn't thinking when choosing the clothes from the wardrobe, probably distracted by his desire to run away from that unbearable silence to think about the cold weather.

"no, you can't; don't move"

san gets up and heads to the still opened closet, letting his eyes go through every piece of clothing for a few seconds - his gaze falls on a hoodie at the back folded with care, unlike the others, that looks identical to the one he lost months ago, now that he thinks about it, but he sets that thought aside for now - and decides on grabbing the warmest looking sweater from the top of one pile.  
when he unfolds it, he notices it's way too big for the younger, probably one of those he wears when he sleeps or when he doesn't have enough time to choose a proper outfit to go out, and he settles for an oversized hoodie over a pair of sweatpants.

he takes a few steps towards wooyoung, who didn't move an inch, eyes stuck to his feet.  
san raises the sweater above his head, motioning for the younger to lift his arms, and he obeys without a word, moving his eyes to glance at the few posters hanging on the wall, that look so much more interesting than whatever is happening with the boy in front of him; meanwhile, said boy helps him put on the sweater, sliding his head through the hole first, and then his arms in both sleeves.

it's only after the hem of the hoodie reaches wooyoung's thighs that san can finally get a glimpse of the younger's face: his lower lip is trapped between his teeth, his cheeks are painted with a light pink dust - even if the boy removed his make up already - and his eyes are red, a bit swollen.  
worry makes its way on san's face in less than a second.  
_did he cry again?_ he wonders, feeling his heart clench in his chest.  
but wooyoung notices, and he's quick to divert his gaze, looking at the wall on his side for anything that would distract him from the boy standing in front of him, because he knows he'll fall apart again if he stares into his eyes for a second more.

san's expression softens, offering the other an assuring smile, knowing well he won't be able to see it.

"come here"

san gently grabs wooyoung's hand, completely covered by the sleeve of the hoodie, and guides him to the bed.  
he helps him lay down, never letting go of his hand, making sure the other is comfortable enough under the warmth of the covers.

"goodnight, then"

he gives one last squeeze to the younger's hand, followed by a warm smile, and finally interrupts their contact, but he gets immediately stopped by a sudden, but delicate, dubious grip around his wrist.

"don't go"

being left alone is the last thing wooyoung could wish for right now; he's terrified, scared that if san left the room, the moment he steps out of his apartment, he would never be able to make up for the mess he made.

there's no reason to lie, despite the strong bond the two built over the time and every argument they overcame - from the more insignificant things to the more important ones - they both know there's no turning back now: the day after something would change, and whether it will be for the better or for the worst, it's all up to san's choice to stay with the younger or leave him alone, and wooyoung has to hold back the tears again at the thought.

"i don't know if that's a good idea"

and when he turns around, not waiting for wooyoung to speak his mind, he gets held back once again by a hand on his wrist, but this time it's decisive, strong enough to yank the older's arm and pull him back, causing him to stumble on his own feet and collide with the edge of the bed, loosing his balance.  
san's hand finds the soft surface of the mattress, that allows him to regain stability, but when he opens his eyes - closed a moment before as a reflex to prepare himself for the fall - he feels his limbs weaken all of a sudden, betraying him for a second.

san's nose is an inch apart from wooyoung's, and the latter's eyes show a mixture of confusion, gloominess and something san can't quite get his fingers around - a feeble spark of want, desire, maybe.  
san can feel the younger's breath over his lips, and he holds his own, scared to move an inch, as if the boy under him was poisonous and grazing his skin would result in something painful.

"please, stay"

wooyoung's voice betrays him, trembling between words, his plea slipping through his lips in a whisper while tears threaten to start flowing again.

san tries to ignore the warmth that makes its way on his neck and cheeks as the younger murmurs those words so close to his lips.

"woo-"

but wooyoung doesn't give him time to speak - not like san managed to find any words to say, anyway.  
his heart is beating at the speed of light, and he's silently praying that the other can't hear it.

"why are you so scared of this?"

this question has been floating in wooyoung's head since he can remember knowing the boy, and it finally slips out of him - he can't blame the effects of the liquor he drank hours ago though, as they vainshed long ago.

"because- you don't really want all this"

"but i do! i do and that's the problem" wooyoung's voice raises in a shouted whisper, unintentionally, "i want every single thing that involves you; i want every touch, i want all those things you want to say to me but you never find the courage to"

he takes a shaky breath before he starts talking again, voice low.

"every time i look at you all i can think about is being closer to you, touching you, or wanting to finally taste your lips on mine"

at his last words, san's eyes fly unaware to the younger's lips, attracted to the rose-colored petals hanging open, spilling word after word, and he believes his heart skips a beat.

"but maybe- maybe you don't want me as much as i thought"

wooyoung's voice is soft, but at the same time tight, almost pained.

when san's gaze goes back to wooyoung's eyes, his only desire is to run away, as far as possible from him, from his bed and his apartment, because he's the one who reduced him in this state: his eyes are shiny, coated with tears that graze his lashes, staring at him dull and hopeless.

"i- of course i like you, how could i not?  
god, you're the most perfect boy i've ever met in my life"

his lips are wearing a smile that immediately reaches his eyes, that started slightly watering as well.

"then why do you keep pushing me away? why do you keep sending so many mixed signals?"

"because,"

he lifts himself up with the help of his arms, finally freeing the boy underneath, and sits back on the edge of the bed, fidgeting with his hands and taking a deep breath.  
wooyoung follows his actions, pulling himself up in a sitting position, legs crossed and hands falling on his laps, getting closer to the other and waiting for him to start talking again.

"what if, what if we try and it doesn't work? what if we ruin what we have?"

san's voice is shaky, and his eyes do not seem to want to leave the floor any soon.  
he would have never imagined the night to go this way; he kept his feelings hidden for so long, and for what? just to see his friend in tears in front of him?

he thought he could pretend nothing was wrong, that every time their eyes met he didn't feel his heart skip a beat, getting lost in their magic; that every time the younger gifted him a warm smile it wasn't like all his problems were lifted from his shoulders; or that whenever he heard the other laugh, he didn't feel butterflies uncomfortably flying around his stomach.

"i don't wanna lose you, not like this"

"but don't you realize you're losing me already?"

san turns his head around to face him, fear slowly growing inside of him.

"i've been going on like this for years, keeping everything to myself," there's a short pause before he gulps - feeling his throat painfully dry all of a sudden - and starts talking again.

"sani, i'm exhausted, i feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time, I'm falling apart slowly.  
maybe you can go on like this, but I'm left here suffocating, all alone, and I don't know what to do anymore.  
I care about you, you have no idea how much, and I like you like crazy; but,"

san doesn't dare speak, hanging on each and every word that comes out of the other's lips, looking at him in disbelief as his vision gets blurred, but wooyoung keeps on talking, reaching for the older's hands to hold them in his own, giving him gentle caresses to reassure him.

"i like you so much I'm afraid I'll get crushed under the weight of these feelings if I don't do something soon, I could drown myself in someone like you, I could dive so deep I never come out and, I thought it was impossible, but you- that's just how I feel; every time I look at you my heart tightens, I can't ignore all of this forever, I'm sorry, I just can't"

wooyoung's eyes look so tired, desperate, lost, exhausted; but he doesn't look down, a glimpse of hope still noticeable.

"you know you're hurting both of us by acting like this, you're not only hurting me, but you're hurting yourself as well.  
no one asked you to put yourself under this torment, you have a choice"

san looks away after what seemed like an eternity of staring in each other's eyes, moving his attention on the furniture filling the room, like he could find a solution to his problems or a way out of this situation behind them.

"sani, hey, please look at me"

the younger brings a hand to his chin with a feather-light touch, making the boy face him until their eyes meet again.

"as I said, you _do_ have a choice, your choice is what counts; you don't have to take a decision now, the last thing I want to do is pressure you into this but, how are we supposed to know what will happen if we don't even give us a chance?  
but, of course, if you don't want to, I'll respect it.  
if you don't want this," he looks down in his lap at their intertwined hands, "if you don't want me, then I'll take a step back, if that's what you really want me to do, then I'll-"

the boy gets soon interrupted by san, who suddenly got closer and squished his hands in his grip by instinct.

"of course I want you, I want this, it's just that- I'm scared I'll lose you, i don't know what I'd do without you"

a light chuckle escapes from wooyoung's lips, while one of his hands reaches san's cheek to gently wipe away a tear that silently made its way down his soft features, and the older can only lean in the touch, closing his eyes and bringing his free hand to lay on top of wooyoung's, almost intertwining their fingers.

"sani, you will never lose me, I can promise you that; amicus ad aras, remember?"

they're both wearing a soft smile on their lips at the thought of that promise they made to each other years ago in that cold winter night, after they shared some of their deepest and darkest thoughts, between tears and giggles and hugs and warm blankets.  
back then, it really felt like they were the only ones who could fully understand each other; that was the night they both decided to always be there the other.

wooyoung will never forget how, the morning after, he woke up with san practically glued to him, the two boys tangled in a mess of limbs and covers, smile proudly showing on the sleeping boy's face and pinkies still intertwined.

san finally opens his eyes, releasing a sigh in relief.

"okay"

"okay?" repeats wooyoung, voice hopeful.

"let's give us a chance"

they get lost in one another's eyes, studying carefully every shade of emotion dancing in them: happiness, relief, curiosity, desire.  
this time, san is the one who leans in first seeking to join their lips.

"is this alright?" he asks under his breath.

"it's perfect" answers the other through his smile.

and when their lips finally meet, wooyoung feels like he can finally breath again.  
they don't feel those fireworks everyone always talks about, but it's nothing comparable to anything they ever experienced - even if both boys often dreamed for this to happen.

the kiss is slow, tender and delicate; wooyoung can still taste san's lipstick on him - and he absolutely loves it.  
they move in harmony, lips dancing together in a silent melody.

san leans closer, reducing the space between their bodies and bringing both of his hands to the younger's face, cupping his cheeks with the delicacy of someone who's handling the most precious and fragile thing in the world - and for san, wooyoung was just that.

but the kiss soon gets heated when wooyoung's arms link once again behind san's neck, and his legs wrap around the older's waist, getting comfortable in his lap as san places his hands on the other's hips, enjoying the warm feeling of his skin under the hem of the sweater.

it's only after wooyoung gives a tentative lick to san's upper lip that the latter grants him access, deepening the kiss and reveling in the other's mouth warmth.

their lips part only to allow them to catch their breaths, and san doesn't let his chance slip away: he starts leaving a trail of kisses along his jawline, down his neck and stopping at his collarbone, leaving a few reddish marks here and there where he focused his attention more.  
wooyoung lets his head fall back, giving him more access to his skin, loving the affection, and letting the other know with a low moan that escapes his lips.

a few seconds after, he becomes aware of san's hands slowly working their way up his abdomen, tracing unconsciously the lines of his muscles, sending shivers down his spine.  
suddenly he feels the pleasure grow and heat curling in his gut.

wooyoung is quick to stop the other, pressing both of his hands on his chest and carefully pulling him away.

"hey, wait, slow down; as much as I'm loving all this,"

they're both panting, lips swollen and cheeks burning a deep red, a mixture of confusion and worry making its way on san's face, but his eyes are still coated with lust and need, flying from wooyoung's own to his lips.

"maybe we're rushing it a bit"

"oh, of course- you're right i- I'm sorry, I've always wanted to do that"

he backs away a little, retracting his hands from under the younger's clothes and opting on laying them over the fabric, drawing invisible circles on the skin with his thumbs.

wooyoung only gives him a warm smile, closing the space between them once again to join their lips one last time, granting san's silent wish, and feeling him smile in the kiss.  
when they part san leans forward, jutting his lower lip out in a pout at the loss of the contact.

"don't apologize, you did nothing wrong.  
actually, you were more than perfect"

wooyoung's words, followed by the boy's hand stroking his hair gently and intertwining with the messy strands, are enough to make san's smile appear again, shinier than ever.

"we'll talk about this tomorrow morning, in front of warm cup of coffee, okay?  
now I'll give you something comfortable to change into"

without waiting for any answer from the older, he gets up and chooses a combination of clothes similar to the one he's wearing right now from his closet, warmer, this time, and hands them to the other - all of this while being followed by san's attentive eyes.  
san changes into the clean clothes and hurriedly goes back into wooyoung's arms, sliding under the covers comfortably.  
they're facing each other, the space between them almost nonexistent.

"I love you, san, that will never change"

san can't hold back the smile that easily reaches his eyes.

"you promise?"

he extends his hand in front of him, pinky pointing to the younger's direction as an invitation for him to do the same, and wooyoung complies immediately, intertwining their fingers in that promise.

"I promise"

they fall asleep like this, hugging, smiles dancing on both of their serene faces, pinkies still intertwined.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it!!  
> comments are more than appreciated, feel free to leave one!!
> 
> thank you for reading you're all lovely <3


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